A Prince goes to the Chinese Emperor with the wish that he wants to marry the emperor's daughter.

The emperor agrees only if the prince can withstand the 3 most horrible Chinese torture of the time. The prince agrees.

Before nightfall he goes into the assigned room in the tower to sleep. The next morning, when he wakes up there is a 100lb stone on his stomach, with a note, "1st horrible Chinese torture. 100lb stone on stomach."

First the smokers sued the tobacco companies because they got cancer from smoking.

Then the fat people sued the fast food restaurants because they got fat on their food.

Now, I think its time for me to sue the beer companies for all the ugly woman I had sex with...

Two blonds are talking.
"Imagine" says the first "yesterday there was a black-out, and I had to stand in an elevator for 3 hours."
"That's nothing" says the other, "during the same black-out yesterday, I had to stand for 4 hours on an escalator."

The teacher tells the kids that in their homework they have to write a family story with a lesson in it.
The next day:
"Okay, Jack, what is your family story?"
"Once we went to the fair to sell some eggs. We put them in a basket, but mom accidentally dropped the basket and all the eggs broke."
"And what is the lesson in your story?"
"Don't put all the eggs in one basket."
"That is a good story. So, Jane, what is your story?"

The teacher is asking the kids:
"What has 4 legs, brown and lives in the forest?"
"Its a Bear." scream the kids.
"Good guess, but it could be a deer too."
Then she continues:
"What's in the grass that is green and jumps?"
"A frog, a frog...” scream the kids.
"Good guess, but it could be a grasshopper too."
Then little Johnny jumps up and asks the teacher:
"What is the thing, that when you put it into your mouth is big and hard and when you take it out is small and soft."
The teacher slaps him in the face, but he continues"
"Good guess, but it could be a bubblegum too..."

The teacher is trying to make the kids picture the shape of earth.
"Tell me son, if I would start digging right here in the middle of the classroom, where would I get?"
"Into a nuthouse..."

Little girl is telling her mother:
"Mommy, yesterday, when you were not home, Daddy called over the neighbor lady, they locked themselves into the bedroom, but I was watching them through the keyhole, and they took off all their cloths, and went to bed and..."
The mother cuts her off "You should tell this story at dinner, when your father comes home..."
So, she waits patiently, and when they are finally all sitting at the dinner table, she starts again:

After graduation, the caveman is looking at his son's report card.
"Hunting is C. Okay. You can't really hold a spear yet..."
There is a little silence, then:
"Fishing is D. Well, you hate the water..."
Then he raises his voice.
"How the hell did you get an F in history?? It's only two pages..."

A blond is working on a crossword puzzle.

She is asking the husband. “Is it supposed to be spelled ‘negger’ or ‘nigger’?”

“Honey,” says the husband. “We don’t speak like that. We say ‘black’.”

So she starts writing:

“Arnold Schwarzeblack…”

Two cops talking:
"You know," says one of them "when I get home, I will tear off my wife's panties..."
"Are you so horny?"
"No, they re so tight!"